Friday, May 05, 2006

So I still have issues

I learned something interesting today.

I still have issues over Marcus' birth and early days. I discovered this in an interesting way.

I've jumped right onto the digital scrapbooking bandwagon and I've been spending a lot of time on the various sites, forums, blogs etc. One of them,, is holding an ultimate scrapbooking challenge. Apparently about 300 or more people are signed up for the first round and they will gradually be whittled down to a winner. I've been keeping an eye on all the entries being posted for the first week (here if you want to look) and there are a lot of layouts featuring people's children.

This isn't surprising - I started doing this myself to do layouts of my child - but I'm finding the various newborn baby ones hard to take. I'm not sure if I'm jealous - yeah, okay, I'm jealous. In fact, to a degree they make me cross, although not with the people involved. With fate maybe? Or wondering if people know how lucky they are? Or something.

Here are these people and their cute, chubby, newborn children going on about how wonderful it was. (*)

I don't have that. I will never scrap "cute" baby pictures in the same way these people can. My cute boy is tiny and skinny and covered in tubes. Sure, he was still cute in his own way, but if I was to place a layout of my own beside these people's, mine would stand out as different.

There are plenty of words I could use to describe Marcus' birth - amazing, terrifying, unbelievable - but wonderful and the words like that don't go on the list. And sitting here and typing this I could easily cry about it. I can feel the tears building up.

Then I feel like I'm being totally ungrateful.

My son is a miracle. All children are miracles, but mine got in a few extra degrees of miracle. I can hear him now in the kitchen doing something I should go and check on, but I really don't want to know what mischief he's up to now. How can I not be grateful for that?

But part of me is still grieving for the things I missed out on. I wonder if part of me always will.

(*) If you should happen to be one of those people - your layouts are beautiful, and I do not mean to demean your or your experiences in any way. It's just that seeing evidence of them has brought up issues of my own I didn't know I still had.


Anonymous said...

"Expecting Adam" by Martha Beck. You must read it. I think it will change your life and bring new healing.

fudgey said...

Kerry i have never had and will never have a child so i can't imagine the exact emotions you feel...
so anything i will say won't really have much relevance...
except i think you are wonderful and all the things you say in your journals and your emails and your scrapbooking show how much you love your little man and i think that counts for a lot...


etitameh said...

when/if you feel up to it, i'd recommend that you DO make your own layout. the process of putting it all down on paper may help you come to terms with it, and i think it would be wonderful to see alongside all of those 'normal' layouts.

i think one a lot of women and families in our modern world have suffered from the images of birth and newborns we are inundated with on a daily basis -- whether that be through TV, internet, or just a general 'everybody knows' kind of thing.

just imagine how it might have helped you to see such a representation when you were struggling with marcus' early days -- and how much you might be able to help some other new mom through her own journey, by sharing your experiences.

(if you choose not to yet, or not to at all, PLEASE don't think i would hold it against you! i don't think you 'owe' it to anyone, except possibly yourself, and you're the only one who gets to decide that. ::hugs:: )

HAED Sexy Fairy said...

Oh come on Kerry. Don't be too hard to yourself. I think the competition is not about winning, it's about expressing our love. It's not important how other people judge your work, it's more meaningful when Marcus is able to appreciate your work and love to him.

I've worked in a hospital with sick babies, and seeing them gaining strength each day is the most joyful moment.

clikchic said...

HUGS Kerry

While I have not had a premmie, I have lost a baby (18wks) and to this day I STILL have trouble seeing pregnant women. I still have trouble with people naming their kids Jacob, even tho it is a very popular name and has been around forever... when I see another child named Jacob, I feel like, how dare they, that name belongs to MY Jacob.

None of it is logical or fair but it is just a leftover effect I guess. Logicially I know and do not hold anything against those people, but it still causes little pangs just the same.

Anyway, just wanted to send you big hugs! ;-)

I was one of the guilty parties sharing a baby photo (my son Kyan who was born 12mths after we lost Jacob) in that comp, but I take no offence as I totally get where you are coming from. ;-)